So, I've started writing my next book, which is great!
I hadn't finished writing my first book RED RAW and I already knew what my next book would be about. I've found the things I write about in depth are the things which still require healing or attention in my waking life.
I have a beautiful feeling about the energy of this book, of the creation that is coming through me, but I know it's going to be hard, in different ways to write this book. I know the final product is going to be wonderful, but it's not going to be all roses while I write it.
It's about my mum. It's weird even writing those words, (my mum) and makes me somewhat uncomfortable, I prefer to refer to her by her first name, Marie. If you've read my first book, you get a pretty good look at the throes of our relationship, and it was pretty messy, right from the very beginning.
The years that followed caused me a great deal of pain, much of what I have managed to heal from through the years of inner work, through my own journey of being a mother, and of course writing and publishing my autobiography which details my life from the birth to 2018.
From the age of 12, I remember making a declaration to myself that when I had kids, they would never ever feel the way I did growing up. Ever! It would be my life purpose to ensure I never became my mother, and that everything she did would be everything I never did. She inadvertently became the biggest influence of my life.
You don't realise how hard being a mother would be at the age of 12, all I knew was that I wanted my very own someone to love completely, solely, and for them to feel all the things I wished I felt growing up. That's what drives me.
The thing is, even with the best intentions, we don't always get it right. We make mistakes, and as we tell our children, mistakes are part of the learning curve. There have been emotional things come up for me since I started writing my 2nd book, which tells me there is still healing required. I hadn't thought I released everything regarding my relationship with Marie, however, I don't think I was aware just how deep i'm going to have to go to bring my next book to life.
The things which came up this week reminded me how much not wanting to become like my mother still plays in my psyche. It's definitely decreased over the years, but it's still there, especially when I have those days where I'm feeling like i'm failing. That fear. Will I be able to see past that once I write this book? Well, who knows, but I'm looking forward to deconstructing my own thought patterns and putting them on paper, and following the trail to see who I've become as a person and a mother, and how I got there, and then what my outlook is like after writing this book.
Am I scared? No, but i'm going to have to go to places I've avoided for a long time. Which can be incredibly uncomfortable. (There's going to be LOTS of meditation and seeking support and guidance from the Universe.) This is the only way to truly bring everything in this book to life I need to, and I know that it will evoke emotions I have likely suppressed for a long time, however, like my first book, i'm willing to go there. For me, for my children, for you, and for everyone else who will be able to relate to a dysfunctional relationship with a parent/s. This is going to be another great book of healing.
I know no matter what emotions and memories come to the surface throughout this period, that it is only going to serve me and the world for the highest good. I'll be ok, I'll always be ok. This is a good thing, healing, and I am ready for this journey, and there will be times i'll need to take a break. I won't be rushing this, allowing it to unfold in all of it's raw beauty.
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Hope you all have a wonderful day.
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